Sun, Shell

I often wonder why I chose to go to school in New England.

I'm a sun child.. I need light to breathe. I'm not afraid of the dark - in fact I also think there is much to be gained from the "nighttime" but darkness and "night" are not the same thing. Not necessarily...

If I had KNOWN this about myself.. I would have gone elsewhere.. and yet it was specifically for finding this out that I chose what I did.

I would say %97 of my graduating class stayed in Georgia for college. It was cheaper, I'm sure. And they had the ability to stay close to the people they loved, the people they grew up with... they had the opportunity to avoid seeing certain things, learning certain things - about themselves, about the world, about people and places and things!

I have often looked at them as the "lucky" ones. They seem... happier?

I do not mean to cheapen their happiness by any means, and in fact I'm sure some might say I am jealous. To a certain extent that is true. I moved away - far away. I wanted snow, I wanted to experience people and a place I did not know, could only speculate about. Something I wasn't used to. I had gone to school with the same 100 people since 5th grade - we were locked into our stereotypes. And as long as I stayed with those same people, the less likely it was that I would become who I was.... not just who everyone said I was to them.

I guess you could say I only understood "myself" as an entity defined by my proximity and relationship to others. Perhaps this is only human though... can we ever truly KNOW ourselves - independent of others? Probably not.. we can speculate though.

So here I am. And I have learned things. I love the silence of snow. I love the way the air feels an hour before the snow starts to fall. I love the crispness of lighter air - the smell of lilacs - the way the water in the creek or a lake feels in the few weeks BEFORE everyone else starts swimming... it takes your breath away. I miss the sun when it's gone. It is a physical deprivation. My body feels caged.

Then I have accomplished what I needed to accomplish... I need to find a way to have both - either in once place all year round, or like a bird I must fly south for the winter. Far south... tropical island south.