For years now I have wandering without it - separated. My mind and body have been working together, against each other, struggling to define one another, fighting for dominance.
Today, everything fell into place.
A late night physical excursion brought me into my body, finally. An unexpected affirmation of beauty and love - from the least likely of sources made me feel... beautiful, exceptional, unusual, unique, undefined. A short night's "sleep" followed by an uncertainly about whether I wanted to wake up was met with an early morning yoga class. I've been a part of this class for 5 weeks now - part of my continuous recovery from back surgery, part of my self-enforced therapy. I've been lucky to participate in %60 of the activities in class, back pain, sore muscles, blah blah blah, etc. This morning was unlike any other morning. I arrived, without coffee anticipating a painful and strenuous workout to find my body breathing each movement as if it had never been allowed to move before. each motion, each stretch, each breath was magic, a blessing, an offering for my body, my spirit which was received in the most gracious and open of circumstances. Today I did 96% of the yoga class, pausing only for extreme back bends which gave me pause. Some hindsight allows me to see that it was as much mental as anything - today I wanted to relax, stretch, feel incredible, love myself, open my heart and allow in an alternate perspective. Today was the day I stopped being a victim to the circumstances of my body and instead took a stand and said, "i refuse to hurt. I refuse to feel... less than whole. I want, and I'm going to get what I want".
One thing led to another. All day people were complimenting me - you look so beautiful today - you look so happy, you look so free. It seems I'm not the only one with the ability to detect such changes.
This evening I participated in a lingerie show - a celebration of the human body which I have been petrified of participating in since I was forced to 5 years ago. I've never felt so liberated. I've never felt so comfortable being... indecent..(?) in front of people I didn't know and may never seen again. But they didn't even matter. It wasn't about them - It was about me. Me being comfortable in my own skin. Me feeling like a confident sexual being, me feeling like I am in control of my body - a feeling I haven't felt since my body took such dramatic control 5 years ago.
I realize its not about control - but balance. My mind/soul/spirit and my body/physical being have to work together to create a comfortable living space in which I may exist. But the progress I made in this one single day leaves me speechless with hope and amazement. I feel things are possible that I never thought possible. I feel I am capable of things I never felt capable of. Perhaps My dreams, my goals are not as unrealistic as I may have thought...
I feel reborn, renewed, replenished. Rejuventated, Recycled, reinvented.
I feel new. Beautiful. Confident. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
I will love everyone I can. Continue to give yourself to others - because that is the ultimate satisfaction in life - to love, honor, accept, and appreciate others.
I love you, wholeheartedly, inspite of the fact that you may challenge upset or offend me.
I deserve the opportunity to love you, regardless of what you think - And I DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
You are what you are, i am what i am and will be what i will be. Period. Unless i choose differently. Which I can, at any time. but your choices cannot be controlled from within me - only mine and I choose openness, love, acceptance, perseverance, beauty, magnetism...
I choose life.
Love,
M
