Infinity = -1/12

If I cannot change, fundamentally, then my progression, my journey is atop a point, not along a line or progression, there is no shape to it, no function to describe it.

And yet, if there is an infinite amount of space within each point, might it be possible for me to take an infinite journey without moving? It is, perhaps, all relative? How can I simultaneously travel an infinite distance and not make progress in any measurable way?

If god is the infinite and we strive to approach him as we reach biological equilibrium then we only reach him when we ourselves become infinite.

But how can positive equal negative and tangible equal intangible?

How can opposites equal each other?

Why are things the way they are?

Why do we seek to understand it by creating a system of rules that cannot possible explain it!? Why do we put ourselves through it?

What's the point in asking why?

I saw somewhere today a quote saying something to the effect of "do not seek to understand it, just turn it over to a higher power and you will be shown the way".

How?

It seems contrary to being.. alive.. to not question anything. it seems, to me, counterintuitive. I understand that some things "are they way they are". No explanation, no independent thought just... belief, faith. But I still say.. "why?" Why trust, why believe?

I can see the appeal of that kind of strength in belief. But I do not think it possible for me. I cannot accept that infinity = -1/12...

M

just sharing.

I ask, why we trust? Or perhaps that is not a helpful question.

I'm hurting tonight. I feel great loss, great pain, great self-doubt.

I know this, I realize it is partially irrational. And yet, it exists -I am sure of it, I can feel it deep inside me eating away at the good. Because as much as it is irrational, it is also based in fact.

I'm alone. I'm working hard but not hard enough. I could theoretically work harder, I have given myself breaks. But Im not accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.

My brother died/was killed. And I find myself in a place now where every little thing has the potential to be full of sorrow. It isn't... the sun shines and the leaves are beautiful and changing and it reminds me of the cyclical nature of life, the flow of energy, the rebirth that awaits us after a long and cold winter. It reminds me of one of my brother's favorite childhood books which ironically is meant to explain death to kids by using a falling leaf as a metaphor. Freddie, I believe is his name.

I have not grieved. Not fully. I always catch myself, like Im ashamed or embarrassed. Or maybe I just refuse to give up control over my own emotions. Its one of the only things I can control, right? WRONG. I can't control my emotions any more than I can control my heartbeat. Oh. Wait.

My boyfriend is supposed to come and visit but the visit keeps getting delayed and I cannot help but wonder if subconsciously this isn't some way to force me to break up with him. Its driving me crazy though and im stuck here waiting. Just waiting. Waiting for my grief to catch up with me, waiting for my love to come, waiting to understand chemistry, waiting waiting waiting.

Its so frustrating. I do intend to get back on topic soon - tomorrow perhaps, if I can stomach it. In the meantime, I feel like crying and I hate it. I hate feeling this pervasive and destructive sadness.

I try to see the beauty in it - to see the healing in tears and release and letting go and yet I am holding on so tightly that I cannot bear it. I cannot bear to see what happens if I let it go... what If I fall to pieces?! What if I completely undo myself? Ive been working so hard to understand myself and to feel good about where and who I am and what I want and now I feel it all coming into question again.
I wonder if it ever stops...
Somewhere inside of me I want to fail because I think I deserve it.
Most of me just really needs a win. To prove that I deserve to succeed. I dont' feel like I've earned it. And that feels so terrible. So completely helplessly lonely and destructive.
Right now I feel like the older version of myself that I was hoping had evaporated and yet I see her still. Not as often but I do see her. And I want to throw her into the basement and lock her up or kill her. I want to save her. I don't want to feel this pain this shame this disgust this self questioning. I want to feel free, light, happy, loved. I want to feel surrounded by warmth and good and positive - but how can I when I can't even get the negative out of my own mind?

Sometimes I want to be dead. Not die - no, not die. But be dead. Or rather, not have been born. What is the purpose? Whats the point? They all forget you when you're gone anyway... What do you do? Why does it matter? How dare they get to die and leave me here to clean it up?! THIS ISN'T "my life".

This isn't the life I want for myself.

So, how can I change it? I want something different, something better - I have to DO something different... better.... more "right" for me. More in line with my desires and my needs... i need to feel centered and full and fulfilled. How can I do that? If only I knew... I don't know what to do.

So I sit here. And wait. Wait to be inspired, wait for the answer to reveal itself, wait for the pain to subside and the sun to shine when everything will feel better and I can forget about this temporary yet positively unhelpful psychotic-sounding break. But the sun will not come out tomorrow. This rain will continue. The pressure will increases inside of me and if I'm not careful, I will explode. I thought if I knew it, I could change it... but maybe I'm not supposed to change it. Perhaps I'm just supposed to wait.

Michelle

Possibility pt. III

At one point in time humans were convinced the earth was the center of the universe and now our concept of the universe is infinite. Belief in something doesn't make it "true" or "real" except to you. But does something being real to you override the fact that outside of your mind things are not the way you think they are. If the difference between possibility and probability is merely belief and belief is subjective to the point that it may allow us to think things that are not real ARE... then how can we ever trust our own judgement? And yet - if we cannot trust our judgement and everyone else's reality is completely their own and potentially 100% different from ours then whose judgement CAN we trust?

Is there any way to KNOW anything?

If not, mustn't we believe with total faith in every single thing?

If then, we struggle with belief in things we cannot prove and we cannot prove anything, how are we to ever stop this constant doubt? Are things meant to be doubted so wholly?

Perhaps what is ACTUALLY happening is some sort of amalgamation of all perceptions of the given event added to all potential perceptions -a sort of "best fit line" for the given data... perhaps no one is right and everything we do is only an infinitesimal portion of what is taking place. If I can accept this then I would never feel the need to take things personally. Everyone's feeling and emotions are, then, based on their own inability to understand that their perception is only one infinitieth of "reality". Their anger, jealously, hurt, suffering is merely an emotional reaction to their lack of control over the other innumerable forces and perceptions in play. And what point does this irrational feeling create? More misery. More insecurity. More FEAR.

Do we believe in order to give meaning to otherwise meaningless action? Do we feel so strongly that we are unnecessary that we must believe or else lose ourselves? Or do we truly have purpose? Given the number of perceptions in play... what difference does our single viewpoint actually make?

Here I find my usual problem. I have turned something beyond definition into a game of logic. If faith is by definition irrational then the rules of logic cannot apply. Yet we try. We strive to place a formula on something we don't even have a language for because as humans, as curious beings with a need for what lies beyond our understanding, we seek to know. We want to believe, but most of us are full of doubt, of fear. Fear that the impossible is both possible and probable. Fear that we are wrong. And right. Simultaneously... fear that we cannot find the answers "out there" or in a church or in another being but rather we must look farther to what is currently intangible and unseen. That the answers have been inside each of us all along.

My world, the world that I "know" is in my head. The things I know, my knowledge, my God, my love - they all come from within me, they are each a part of the "me" you see. But I cannot prove it. :-)

Love,

M