just sharing.

I ask, why we trust? Or perhaps that is not a helpful question.

I'm hurting tonight. I feel great loss, great pain, great self-doubt.

I know this, I realize it is partially irrational. And yet, it exists -I am sure of it, I can feel it deep inside me eating away at the good. Because as much as it is irrational, it is also based in fact.

I'm alone. I'm working hard but not hard enough. I could theoretically work harder, I have given myself breaks. But Im not accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.

My brother died/was killed. And I find myself in a place now where every little thing has the potential to be full of sorrow. It isn't... the sun shines and the leaves are beautiful and changing and it reminds me of the cyclical nature of life, the flow of energy, the rebirth that awaits us after a long and cold winter. It reminds me of one of my brother's favorite childhood books which ironically is meant to explain death to kids by using a falling leaf as a metaphor. Freddie, I believe is his name.

I have not grieved. Not fully. I always catch myself, like Im ashamed or embarrassed. Or maybe I just refuse to give up control over my own emotions. Its one of the only things I can control, right? WRONG. I can't control my emotions any more than I can control my heartbeat. Oh. Wait.

My boyfriend is supposed to come and visit but the visit keeps getting delayed and I cannot help but wonder if subconsciously this isn't some way to force me to break up with him. Its driving me crazy though and im stuck here waiting. Just waiting. Waiting for my grief to catch up with me, waiting for my love to come, waiting to understand chemistry, waiting waiting waiting.

Its so frustrating. I do intend to get back on topic soon - tomorrow perhaps, if I can stomach it. In the meantime, I feel like crying and I hate it. I hate feeling this pervasive and destructive sadness.

I try to see the beauty in it - to see the healing in tears and release and letting go and yet I am holding on so tightly that I cannot bear it. I cannot bear to see what happens if I let it go... what If I fall to pieces?! What if I completely undo myself? Ive been working so hard to understand myself and to feel good about where and who I am and what I want and now I feel it all coming into question again.
I wonder if it ever stops...
Somewhere inside of me I want to fail because I think I deserve it.
Most of me just really needs a win. To prove that I deserve to succeed. I dont' feel like I've earned it. And that feels so terrible. So completely helplessly lonely and destructive.
Right now I feel like the older version of myself that I was hoping had evaporated and yet I see her still. Not as often but I do see her. And I want to throw her into the basement and lock her up or kill her. I want to save her. I don't want to feel this pain this shame this disgust this self questioning. I want to feel free, light, happy, loved. I want to feel surrounded by warmth and good and positive - but how can I when I can't even get the negative out of my own mind?

Sometimes I want to be dead. Not die - no, not die. But be dead. Or rather, not have been born. What is the purpose? Whats the point? They all forget you when you're gone anyway... What do you do? Why does it matter? How dare they get to die and leave me here to clean it up?! THIS ISN'T "my life".

This isn't the life I want for myself.

So, how can I change it? I want something different, something better - I have to DO something different... better.... more "right" for me. More in line with my desires and my needs... i need to feel centered and full and fulfilled. How can I do that? If only I knew... I don't know what to do.

So I sit here. And wait. Wait to be inspired, wait for the answer to reveal itself, wait for the pain to subside and the sun to shine when everything will feel better and I can forget about this temporary yet positively unhelpful psychotic-sounding break. But the sun will not come out tomorrow. This rain will continue. The pressure will increases inside of me and if I'm not careful, I will explode. I thought if I knew it, I could change it... but maybe I'm not supposed to change it. Perhaps I'm just supposed to wait.

Michelle