Hypocrisy

I don't intend to deceive myself...
I don't mean to believe a lie - and yet, if I think it is the truth because I've simply never thought to think of it before - is it still a lie?

Does a lie imply knowledge that it is a lie?

If I BELIEVE that I am a unicorn then saying "I'm a unicorn" feels like a statement of truth. However, I am not a unicorn. And telling myself I am is a lie.

What causes me to suddenly realize that not only am I NOT who I thought I was... but I've been lying to myself all these years? Somebody told me, or I implied it, or learned it and I accept it to be truth and believed in it.

I don't know what I believe, truthfully... I think I know what I want to believe. And yet I'm having trouble with the act of believing. Its so concrete. I see "believers" and I envy them because to some extent they have precisely what I want - that faith!

I want to find the balance- those who maintain faith through questioning and not the other way around. Those who can believe and wonder simultaneously.

I talk about decisions and forward momentum and yet I do not decide. I do not move forward.

Or perhaps I am just not moving as fast as I want. I've let this sensation get to me before - let it break into the best parts of me and rip down what I have worked SO HARD to create.

Sometimes we cannot move as quickly as we want. That is a fact. Patience. I must be patient with myself and stop yelling at myself when I need help.

I need help. I need support. I feel like I'm doing this alone. And it isn't because people aren't here - its because I won't let them in. I feel so vulnerable and exposed and I joke about it because that hurts less, right?

I sometimes wish I had a thicker shell. If it wasn't so easy to get under my own skin...
And then I wonder what I would sacrifice in order to obtain this shell... what would I give up?
Is it worth it?

I hear some say that you can make a decision once and then you never have to make it again... I hope this is true... but I am also aware that certain decisions are made daily - even many times a day... I also think it may be that certain decisions may be made once because they are Umbrella Decisions. And these decisions adjust the direction of your journey perhaps, but required many more decisions to be made every day...

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. I want to speak only truth.

Also.

I want to be "happy" about it. So I need to find happiness in truth. I need to find beauty in honesty and appreciate openness, frankness...

And I need to not take it personally.

I may not know the truth at first. I will think about it though.

Will I "know" truth if I see it?

M